Don't act paranoid - it only attracts Their attention. % The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. -- St. Augustine % #include /* the 2-line universal *nix beta */ int main() { raise(11) ; return 0 ; } % It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. -- H.L. Mencken % Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" % I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. -- Plato % I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" % It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level language named "research student". % The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing us all. % Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. -- Bertrand Russell % What we need is a girl with very small fingers. -- Prof. Alexandre Borovik % If you're a bass player in a rock band, you are by definition a moron. -- Scott Thunes % Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it. -- Linus Torvalds % Computer games don't affect kids. I mean, if Pacman affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music. -- Stolen from Marcus Brigstocke. % Your fighting style smells of Gorgonzola! Now I go to battle She-Bot Scantily-X! -- Torg, in Sluggy Freelance % September 25th: Discovered lots of things about Dynamic HTML. Notably that almost every site attempting to use it is crap. -- Alan Cox's Diary % NO ALTERATIONS Everyone understands Mickey Mouse. rick@rfbooth.com Many understand Newton. http://www.rfbooth.com/ A handful understand Einstein. But nobody understands me. % NO ALTERATIONS rick@rfbooth.com | The PROPER way to handle HTML postings is to cancel http://rfbooth.com | the article, then hire a hitman to kill the poster, his wife and kids, and fuck his dog and smash his computer into little bits. Anything more is just extremism. - Paul Tomblin in The Monastery % Karmageddon: n. It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. % 1) Download the backing track 2) Widdle like f*&k over it 3) Record it 4) Rank its shitness on a scale of 1 to 10 -- the wisdom of John Rimmer, PhD, in ukmg. % Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering. -- Peter da Silva, in The Monastery % So I think I'm becoming a geek vampire. Damn. Hate when that happens. -- Davezilla % I would describe it as Classical jazz cock rock gothic metal with a smattering of melodic deathtechno and jungleacid or something. -- Vinny Burns describing his style, in ukmg. % my god. it's true. I look like I'm trying to swallow a weasel. -- clive.murray, in ukmg % I'm in a Born-Again Christian folk group, playing mostly around the Surrey area. We're called "Mary Magdalene's Engorged Clit". -- Adrian Clark, in ukmg % Do not dangle the mouse by the | Do not expose your LaserWriter cord or throw it at coworkers. | to open fire or flame. -- SGI Indy manual | -- Apple Laserwriter manual % It isn't nearly as loud as the finger method, but much later I found out that the noise sounds remarkably like the noise that donkeys make when they're having sex! -- Brady Steel, in a.m.m-k % [pattern-based widdling] you've just summed up my style, except I haven't discovered what my target note is yet !! When I get there, I'll let you know, although it's probably A. -- James Screaton confesses in ukmg % I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable. -- Mark Twain % Let's try that again with an ending that doesn't suck... -- Paul Gilbert, in _Intense Rock II_ % Well, I don't know about you, but I've just died of a brain hemorrhage. Bugger. The sun was starting to come out, as well. -- Adrian Clark on karmic debt, in ukmg. % When it comes to making people snap, wear black, and shoot high school students, Eminem and Marilyn Manson are frickin' pansies compared to Oasis. -- Doug Boucher, in a.m.m-k % Telecasters, while being great guitars, have been known to induce people to play Country and Western. On this basis alone they are not a good idea. -- Mark Lamb, in ukmg % Pardon the colloquialism, but what the FUCK have you been eating Adrian?! Well, I for one won't stand for it! I mean, *spiky*. For FUCKS sake... -- Mr Clark disturbs Paul Simpson, in ukmg % We all enter the world in the same way: naked... screaming... soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there. % Think about something else as you stir. Think, for example, about little baby lambs in as non-sexual a context as you are able. -- totl.net on the making of milkshakes. % Your elbow should ideally be located halfway along your arm, and bend. -- C. Damian Law gets technical, in ukmg % I've checked the ones where we differ against the individual files on Justin's site and I'm 99.9% almost sure that my version might be correct. -- Cliff Farago refuses to hedge his bets, in ukmg. % Well done that man! Being snarfed by Rick's sigmonster is known to be one of the highest attainments to which man can aspire. -- Julian May demonstrates the power of flattery, in ukmg. % Some people, when confronted with a problem, think ``I know, I'll use regular expressions.'' Now they have two problems. -- Jamie Zawinski % If it looks like a troll, smells like a troll and quacks like a troll... ... kill it. It's a troll. -- Mike Whitaker talking sense, in ukmg. % I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. --J. Edgar Hoover % There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -- Jeremy S. Anderson % If we're bringing up kids that are so stupid that they kill themselves because of a song, what good are the kids in the first place? -- Marilyn Manson % I pledge allegiance to the form of science fiction and fantasy and to the promise for which it stands: one world, polycultural, genetically engineered, with Internet access for all. -- Tonio Roque % to listen to a guitarist who causes less annoyance than jarl sigurd, visit: http://www.mp3.com/clivemurray -- clive _earns_ extra promotion, in ukmg % NO ALTERATIONS rick@rfbooth.com | Working on my death metal concerto - "The Bitch http://rfbooth.com | Bride Wore Black" with 10 guitar solos ... and a finale that will decide once and for all whether Metallica could whip the Who's ass. -- Dave Barlow gets tasteful, on ukmg % For real fun, drink a pint of milk coloured deep blue with food colouring and eat a load of sweetcorn. You'll produce grass-green poo with yellow spots. -- Jimmo reminds us how bored we got before ukmg. % When my main Inbox folder hits 2000 messages, I sit bolt upright for 16 hours and cause it to contain less than 200 messages. -- Jamie Zawinski on time management % I'm getting moistness, I'm getting wood (must be the crotchless panties), I'm getting the scent of stir-fried Andrex Puppy, I'm getting rapidly more obscure... -- Paul Simpson getting Jilly with it, in ukmg % Q: How hard can REALHAMSTER be buggered? A: Very hard. REALHAMSTER can safely withstand over 200 lbs of thrust. -- http://www.realhamster.com/faq.html % Rick needs new calipers for his crippled legs and I have a problem with the nose powder. -- Adrian Clark raising funds in ukmg. % NO ALTERATIONS rick@rfbooth.com http://rfbooth.com We moved all the guitar-related chat over to alt.spread'em-honey.gotta.get.the.goat.in.too, so this newsgroup is now used solely used for custard-related reminiscences. -- Adrian Clark explains "OT", in ukmg. % double value; /* or your money back! */ short changed; /* so triple your money back! */ -- cons.c, perl source code % There *must* be a way of getting him over here. I'll even pretend to be a sweet-faced child dying of an incurable disease, if it'll help. -- Adrian Clark trying to lure Mike Keneally, in ukmg. % Cool! Whatever you may think about this silly little playground scrap, anything that involves ray guns has to be a good thing. -- David Cantrell, in the (void) % assuming you have no skin applied to it (and if you have, you should go to your room and think carefully about what you've done) -- clive murray on Winamp, in umkg % Yep, I'm weird. But I'm polite, well-mannered and brush my teeth regularly... -- Adrian Clark trying to pull, in ukmg. % And yes, Rick. You may have the previous version for the sigmonster. As long as you attribute it to a confused version of me. -- Mike Whitaker casting aspersions, in ukmg. % No, I'm looking for you, Jay, the unbelievably immoral sack of vile owl scat that you are. How did you do it, you sick soulless piece of hog spew? -- an irritable doctor, in Flem. % OTOH something that wouldn't disturb religious sensibilities at this time might be better, like Black Sabbath? -- Icarusi exhibiting tact, in ukmg. % It does a decent job emulating MicroSoft Office. My copy stopped working and needs to be reinstalled. -- Todd Larason on StarOffice, in the (void) % I've noticed on the Epiphone website that they do a rather nice flying-V bass guitar and have decided that I have to have one because it's pointy. -- Andy Brooke exhibits honesty, in ukmg % We're writing to all you charming people with some very sad news. Today, our son, Adrian Clark died suddenly after a bad attack of rabies. Yours, My Parents. -- Adrian's death being greatly exaggerated, in ukmg % Damn damn DAMN! Hot flaming *fucknuggets*! Can we go again? Don't worry, I'll get it this time... don't mention Satan.... don't mention Satan..." -- Paul Simpson impersonates Adrian Clark, in ukmg % It can get touchy if, after being solicited for a freelance project, you hear the material and it sounds like the inside of somebody's ass in 5/4. -- Brian Beller, on wonky.net % Just realised... Desert Yellow Ibanezes, Linux - I'm turning into Rick Booth! -- Paul Simpson is disturbed _again_, in ukmg. % NO ALTERATIONS rick@rfbooth.com | It is the only thing that makes it worth getting up, and I don't get up until I've done it, sometimes twice, and often while thinking of really evil, twisted shit, like consensually sodomizing a whole squad of one-legged cheerleaders. -- Scott Rahin, in ftrain.com % Usenet is a co-operative venture, backed by nasty people. Follow the standards. -- Chris Rovers, in the Monastery % Isn't Doug cool? Every now and then he comes up with something that makes me say "Damn." Of course, every now and then he comes up with a new smell that makes me say "DAMN", too. -- Sheryl Warren, in ammk % I offer an unprecedented set of skills for an office temp. I type 100 words a minute, speak Spanish, and talk to birds ala St. Francis. I can also suck cock like a dock whore. -- Paul Ford looks for work, in ftrain % i've been feeling my latitude and longitude to the half-inch through the earth's magnetic field for years now. i only get lost near really big speakers. -- muppet knowing his place, in the (void) % You're confused! I took heaps of photos of my new house with the company's new digital camera and now I've got 20 photos of my bleedin' right eye! -- Frank Muller in future shock, in ukmg. % on the good side i trained it never to poo | Chat rooms - I trained my monkey to throw poo! | just say no. i trained it to throw trees but it kept missing | (from #ukmg) % Steve D: Just wondering. You sound as though you have a beard. Steve C: Yes, but on the *inside*. -- Smells like teen Christie? Messrs Dix and Cobham, in ukmg % ...edit messages sensibly (so the only quotes shown are relevant), don't crosspost, top-posting is for bastards and retards. -- Adrian Clark preaching it, in ukmg. % (Dig me! Strike a pose! I have an armadillo in my trousers!). Not opinionated at all about those guys, the washed-up sell-out fuckers. -- Doug Boucher explaining Genesis, in ammk. % I have no time for the fanboys that buy the Tom Delonge Sig Strat just because they suckle at the penis of Blink 182. -- Neil McD on signature models, in #ukmg % Rick you are a talentless Steve Morse clone and I hate you. -- Dave Barlow pulling his punches, in #ukmg % I need to turn rant mode off. Can we talk about tits or something? Tits always sooth the savage beast. -- Adrian Foden seeks relief, in #ukmg % You can trace it by finding a link to the girl in the lesbian trap. Did I just say that? -- Mike Whitaker worries himself, in #ukmg. % I've looked this over closely & I'm pretty sure that you've *completely* over-looked the central issue of fuck off. -- fearthesmeenusimmons not missing the point, in ammk. % Zippety doo dah, zippety oh fuckit it I'm sexually frustrated. -- J Grant of Flem explaining his mental state, in his LiveJournal % This shite has gone on far too seriously long enough by half. -- Vinny Burns on karaoke, in ukmg. % It's sad to say, but I'm getting bored of 17 year old girls flashing their tits at me. -- Ross Edwards losing faith, reported by Clive Murray. % If you send it round to me, I will lovingly kick the shit out of it and then leave it in my back garden to rust and age. -- Vinny Burns on aging guitars, in ukmg. % heeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's cive1 -- Andy Dempster greets Clive with more enthusiasm than dexterity % To set aside my fears over the car going bang I have built an ingenious squirrel trap from a cat basket, some elastic bands, two cable ties, a cork and a piece of string -- Adrian Foden seeks lunch, in #ukmg % I'm a javascripty tosser -- Clive Murray confessing, in the (void) % I'd much rather smell the sweat of a big black man. -- Rob Livesey. % Oh, Andy if I typed "hairy rhino cock" at any point in that thing I sent you it was just a placeholder. -- Justin Proudman demonstrating innovation in teaching. % We're just not equipped to really be able to improvise, because we're ROCK players. Rock guys jam, we don't improvise. We jam and we play TUNES. -- Doug Boucher on how not to be boring, in ammk % NO ALTERATIONS rick@rfbooth.com | Back in my day we had REAL claypools! The ones that www.rfbooth.com | played 4 note chords on their basses and sang about FISH! You damn kids and your frogs and your endless jams! I'll run my wheelchair over yer fuckin' foot, ya bastards! -- Doug Boucher, in ammk % I'm too old for that bling bling business. Beatch. -- Adrian Foden getting down with the kids, in #ukmg % Rick is all-seeing and even Mightier than Ganesh. Maybe you should try feeding him milk through his nose from a spoon. -- Adrian Foden sighting truth, in #ukmg % The human genome is about 3 gigabases long, which boils down to 750 megabytes. Depressingly enough, this is only 2.8 Mozilla browsers." -- Jamie Zawinski % She's taken to the keyboard like I took to blow jobs. -- Alan Tignanelli describes his daughter, in ammk. % Christina Ricci is like mini-me, but with better tits and slightly more hair. -- Adrian Foden on sex appeal, in #ukmg % Not that I'm saying I'd like a face job with Dweezil... although, having seen him on Channel 4 news, my girlfriend wouldn't say no... -- Adrian Clark on telephone interviews, in ukmg % I will road test some of my home made pickle on UKMGers!!!!!!!!!!! No you Fuckin' won't -- Ian Myatt demonstrating wisdom to Adrian Foden, in #ukmg % Perhaps, one day, all his sweat will build up so much internal pressure, it'll just start squirting out of him in the middle of Red House! -- Ian Myatt, on the remarkably dry Justin Proudman, in #ukmg % Every time I sing in the studio I black out and the doctor says I'm giving myself these little strokes. It's like a bad thing... -- Devin Townsend suffering for his art, and stating the obvious. % NO ALTERATIONS rick@rfbooth.com | Most Brit writers are horribly normal. You'd let them www.rfbooth.com | feed your dog while you were away on holiday. Okay, one or two of them would doubtless have sex with the dog while you were out of the house, but... -- Warren Ellis % My only problem with Borders is that I live in fear of having some goateed motherfucker in a tie-dye spill his latte on me. -- Doug Boucher, in ammk. % NO ALTERATIONS rick@rfbooth.com | The seasonal transitions in this part of the country www.rfbooth.com | are swift, cruel, and efficient, like sex with prostitutes. Unfortunately, the seasons themselves are slow, tedious, and cumbersome, like sex with me. -- Matt Wilson % So it's either fat Americans going "Graa!" over some guitars, or a 17-year-old female poplet miming to shit cover versions of records from five years ago? -- ukresistance.co.uk on the state of music % They're like lost plectrums, you only find them when you stop looking. -- WNIRO, on girlfriends, in the Guitarist Forum. % She might be mad, but she's got massive tits. Sorry, did I say that out loud? -- Ian Myatt thinks about Anna Nicole Smith, in #ukmg % God, I'm so funny. People should be grateful when I talk to them, instead of telling me to shut up, which happens too often to be coincidence. -- Ashley Pomeroy, in the (void) % NO ALTERATIONS rick@rfbooth.com | I have just bought the cornford mk50 on ebay www.rfbooth.com | because I was drunk. I have put you down as delivery address. I will advise you more when a) I have more info, and b) I am sober. I like rock. -- Clive Murray explaining GAS, in email. % Rick is actually just a figment of the imagination of a small, swarthy man, shoeing horses in rural Lithuania. -- Adrian Clark pierces the illusion, on the Guitarist Forum. % What is a leet? Is that a type of ferret? -- http://www.bash.org/?341 % how about I chug away on this D5 powerchord through my HUGE AMP until your FUCKING EARS BURST? how about that? -- Clive responds to jazz snobs, in #ukmg. % He's strongly opinionated. His opinions are frequently wrong and I spend an inordinate amount of time putting a contrary position just to keep him on the straight and narrow! -- Ade Foden on, well, me, in #ukmg. % NO ALTERATIONS rick@rfbooth.com | Anybody practicing the fine art of composing music, no www.rfbooth.com | matter how cynical or greedy or scared, still can't help serving all humanity. Music makes practically everybody fonder of life than he or she would be without it. -- Kurt Vonnegut % Keep it clean and keep Mrs fod out of it. In fact, that accurately describes my sex life. -- Adrian Foden laments, on #ukmg % What do people look like? I can barely remember. The things in the pub aren't people. They are awful beer machines who have conversations I cannot understand. -- Warren Ellis laments, on diepunyhumans % I shall sellotape my cat to a skateboard and fire him into the lake with a dwarf on his back! -- Adrian Foden plotting Animal Jackass. % After all a dick is a dick - no matter what they're being a dick about. -- Simon Wistow levelling, in the (void). % hi adrian. how's the concussion? who are you? are you my sister? -- Adrian's memories of Clive fading, in #ukmg % I thought I was being ironic, then realized I was just being a prick -- LoFi thinking about ringtones, in #totalguitar % And my dressing-gown is my crusty shroud. -- Richard Herring being, well, a single man who works from home. % * JOtto is deeply unhappy with his latest culinary experiment. I have created something that resembles vomited mince in almost every detail. -- Justin becoming Delia, on #ukmg % in fact thats exactly what it smells like - a raccoon eating strawberries -- Jeremy writes Red Bull commercials, in #ukmg % no, seriously, you guys go back to the guitars, i'll go over here in the corner and poison myself with fruit -- Jeremy. In #ukmg. % EEK! Just had a sheep in the lounge. I thought mrs fod had scattered raisins on the floor! -- Adrian Foden on healthy country life, in #ukmg. % mmm... there's something perfect about the marriage of the pig with the loaf -- Adrian Clark dreams of sandwiches, in #ukmg % Look, toerags, listen to an old man. Women are gagging for it as much as you. Stop pussyfooting around and get in there, don't try and be all romantic and shit, they aren't interested. -- The wisdom of Thing. % you dont go up to a young boy and ask - how's your cock? -- Steve Cobham avoiding moral hysteria, in #ukmg % I thought a harmonic minor worked down the pit and could sing -- Ian Myatt teaching music theory, in #ukmg % This amp gives blowjobs to P90s. -- Melvyn Hiscock on his Boogie (as reported by Earthman) % Rick is actually an amalgamation of all of the characters from Black Books! He has the dress sense of Bernard, the hair of Manny and the doe-eyed fuckability and peachy skin tone of the bird. -- Adrian Foden % Pizza Express is much better than Venice. -- Richard Herring % We owe a great debt of gratitude to Britain's teachers. If it weren't for them we'd all be speaking German. And French. And Latin. And be able to do sums. -- Harry Hutton % It is every Englishman's dream to fly over London in a hot air balloon with his pasty arse hanging over the side, and take a great big dump on the Houses of Parliament, while singing the Eton Boating Song. -- Harry Hutton % I don't get people. What's their appeal, precisely? They waddle around with their haircuts on, cluttering the pavement like gormless, farting skittles. -- Charlie Brooker. % Bubble 2.0. Silly valuations. SF people on Smart Drugs (well, Modafinil). A new Nine Inch Nails album. Anybody would think it was the 90s again. -- Simon Wistow